Dear Mr. President Read online

  PROPAGANDA LETTER #5

  Dear Son,

  This is going to be hard for me to talk about, but I am doing it for you, so that you recognize how empty the pursuit of killing other human beings is. I hope that by the time you’re done reading this you will realize what a hollow word bravery is in the context of war. I wore the craziness of the war like a cheap suit and sealed the lock from the inside so I couldn’t get out even when I wanted to. One day we were on patrol, near the town Dak Tho in the province of Quang Mgai. We’d gotten word there might be some NVA in the area, and so we were roving through the banyan trees and bamboo thickets. Suddenly Charlie caught us in an ambush. My buddy Kitrick fell into a tiger pit. He yelled, “Fuck,” and then the light went out of his eyes. We’re suddenly taking a lot of fire, and I’m scared and confused. We scrambled for cover, and Gordon got his leg shot to shit. I bent over to check the wound, and Gordon moved and something blew up in my face and I was blind. I heard screams and I knew the VC were moving in on us. I wiped my eyes and there was blood on my hands but I could see, and then I ran out into this little clearing and started blasting with my pistol. There were five dinks total, and there was a split second where we all looked at one another and the colors were ultra-vivid and it was as if we were onstage and this was the scene we’d all been waiting for and then the pistol was guiding my hand, jerking it around dropping them out. When I was done I started calling out for our guys to come up, but it was quiet. The wind was coming through the banyan trees and it was almost pretty. Everyone dead except for me.

  That’s how I got my Medal of Honor. Two more tours and my mind just shut off and I didn’t even think about the killing and I wondered about that later. My mind was a blank slate. When I rotated back to the world, I had to pick up a piece of chalk and start writing my new life story with it. I’m sorry to be having to tell you this and for you to know it about me.

  I’m not the same person I was back then, son. Read Chomsky.

  As ever, Dad

  HOW OUR COVER WAS ALMOST BLOWN

  A couple days after that strange yoga incident, I was returning to the bunker when I spotted a lone figure in the distance. A human dot on the landscape. There’d been a lot of Republican Guards in the area recently, making my night missions more difficult. The sun was just starting to dawn, a bloodred symphony of light, playing its chorus of hope over the horizon. I was worried this figure was some Iraqi soldier snooping around the hatch to my bunker. Maybe he’d sat on the boulder and saw the shine of the metal underneath. I didn’t know what I’d do if that were the case. Should I sneak up behind the Iraqi and club him with a rock? What would I do with him then, drag him down into the bunker for questioning? But I wouldn’t be able to question him because I don’t speak Arabic, so then what? Just keep him in the extra cage? What would Dithers think? Plus surely he’d be missed. How long would I keep him in the cage, because it’s not as if we had all the food in the world? We were already starting to run out of M.R.E.s. And it didn’t seem right for me to hurt someone who was sneaking around. But then again, it didn’t seem right for me to be discovered and captured. Because who would care for the wounded pilgrims then? So I got down in the sand and speed-crawled up very quietly on the Iraqi in a roundabout fashion, until he was about thirty yards away.

  I raised my binoculars to my eyes and I was relieved to see that it was only Dithers. In the binoculars he was suddenly close, and I could see a drop of sweat dangling from the tip of his nose. By now he was walking very fast alongside the highway and kept checking over his shoulder. He was headed north. I wondered if maybe one of the chimps had escaped and he was trying to catch it. I knew Dennis had been acting funny recently. But how could Dennis get out? I realized that Dithers was not in the underground bunker, which is where he said he would stay, and I realized that if Dithers were in the underground bunker, there was no way Dennis could get out.

  I stood up. “Dithers,” I called. “What are you doing?”

  I guess he couldn’t hear me because he didn’t turn around. So I called out again.

  “Dithers.”

  He turned and saw me.

  I waved.

  Now this is the part that left me stunned and heartbroken. When Dithers saw me he started running in the opposite direction from where I was. I realized right then and there that if Dithers made it back he’d rat me out. All of his previous questions suddenly came flooding back into my mind. What exactly are our coordinates? Is there a landmark you use to know where the underground bunker is? Do you ever get lost? And there was no way I was going to the brig. My only crime was my compassion. It was easy to catch him. Even with my limp. I tackled him.

  PROPAGANDA LETTER #6

  Dear Son,

  I have a confession to make. I didn’t want to tell you this, but Rob encouraged me to come completely clean with you. He said if I was being all high and mighty with you, then I had to lead by example, so I am going to come clean. I want you to know the truth about your mom. Now I know you were never close to your mom, because of the language thing, and because she tragically passed away when you were eight, and it’s true I often expressed my disappointment in her to you. I shouldn’t have done that. And sometimes you may wonder why I stayed with her all that time. Especially if I was so unhappy. The answer is because of the guilt I felt. When I met your mom she was a green-eyed ten-dollar whore in China Beach. My team was on a twenty-four-hour R&R. We didn’t have any language to share, your mom and I, so we communicated through clumsy, passionate hand signals, under the sheets. And when the weekend was over, your mom stood at the edge of town in a red, white, and blue straw shawl and waved good-bye to me as our jeep pulled out, her head full of my empty promises that I passed on to her through a translator. That I would return soon in a giant yacht named O Powerful One to marry her and bring her back with me to America, where we would live in a gold mansion. But as you well know, I did come back for her. And though her life was sad and strange, I am always grateful to her for having given me you. I didn’t mean what I said earlier, about you being the worst mistake I ever made. Sometimes I get angry and lose my cool.

  As you can probably tell, Rob’s a pretty good influence on me and keeps me walking a straight line, and what once started as an ironic gesture, with this protest, which I still stand by, has become very serious. I think I am in love. Did I mention that Rob isn’t circumcised? I’ll admit that freaked me out at first. It looked so silly to me, but now I’ve grown used to it and sometimes when I look down at my own unit I wish it wasn’t circumcised, because Rob says he gets more pleasure that way, and based on the noises he makes I believe him. But all that aside, I’m ashamed of the way you acted when you came over here and started yelling right before you shipped out. Now I realize this can’t be easy for you, but you’re going to have to trust me on this one. Homophobia is one of the ugliest things on earth, and it stems from ignorance and fear. All I am trying to say is I hope you will give Rob another chance. He’s a really good man. And he’s got an interesting past, can you believe he grew up in London? And he said he has forgiven you for your rudeness and looks forward to really getting to know you. I know if you would just give him a chance the two of you could maybe become friends. I hope you will consider this while you are over there, and realize that I am finally happy after all these years and that should stand for something. Happiness is not easily come by in this world.

  Dad

  DITHERS WAS BACK IN THE CAGE FULL-TIME NOW

  Dithers was back in the cage full-time now. And I began to see him for what he truly was, a liar, a conniver, a coward. He started having these mood swings and shouting a lot. “Let me out of here, I won’t tell anyone you’re here. I promise. I just have to get back to the guys. My mom will be worried about me. Can’t you understand what that’s like? Please.” Then he’d start crying. Other times he’d turn angry and violent. “Help People, I’m going to kill you. Your days are numbered, Help People. See this bare hand?” And here he held up his
one arm. “I’m going to kill you with my bare hand.”

  WRESTLING AS A FORM OF CONNECTION, AND AS A PREVENTIVE MEASURE AGAINST POSSIBLE FUTURE ATTACKS

  The only time I let the chimps out of their cages is when we wrestle. This was my idea too. Not Dithers’s. I thought it was good for the chimps to have physical contact. Dithers didn’t seem to care for the chimps one way or another. He wouldn’t even acknowledge they were there. Like he was better than them or something. Lots of times I’d see that they were lonely and go over and talk to the chimps and make funny faces. But not Dithers. And beating a chimpanzee in a wrestling match gave me confidence, and I knew if I could take a chimpanzee then Dithers wouldn’t have a chance against me if he ever did try anything. Dithers’s one arm was a trunk, and I’d seen him doing all those push-ups. But you go five rounds with Dennis and a little guy like Dithers becomes a joke. Even with the trunk. That’s why I always wrestled the chimps right in front of Dithers’s cage, where he couldn’t miss any of the action. Every fight is 80 percent intimidation. So I made it my business to psych Dithers out before he made his move.

  A couple days ago, while wrestling with Ronald, I got myself in a pinch. I was crouched down low, circling around with my arms spread kung-fu style, when suddenly I slipped on an ammo can and fell over backward. The bunker has gotten real messy with Dithers in the cage all the time. Ronald leapt on me and started punching me everywhere at once. I was surprised. There’d always been a playful undertone about the wrestling matches, but Ronald wasn’t holding back. He knocked the wind out of me. He stomped on my bad knee, and I saw a hairy fist in front of my face. Blood came spurting out of my nose. I heard, as if from very far away, the chimpanzees start screeching. Then there was the unmistakable sound of Dithers’s cackling. My vision went foggy under Ronald’s little concrete fists. Boom boom boom boom boom. I decided I needed to do something because this situation was about to turn very bad for me, and then I blacked out.

  When I came to I saw Ronald poised with an empty ammo can raised over my head. I quickly slid out from under him and flipped Ronald over on his back and then pinned his shoulders to the ground with my knees. I punched Ronald hard in the face and he went limp. Then I looked up at Dithers and shouted, “You want some of this? You want some of this? Come on then. Come and get some, Dithers, motherfucker.” But as soon as I said it I knew I’d crossed a line and I felt pretty bad about the whole thing, and I tried to apologize to him later.

  Beverly’s the best wrestler. She’s got a headlock that could crush a shark. Chimpanzees are five times stronger than human beings. So when I beat one of the chimpanzees like that, I have to wonder if I’m something better than a human being. Some sort of superhuman being.

  THE DEBILITATING CONUNDRUM OF FOOD AS AN ENERGY SOURCE

  Despite my impressive defeat over Ronald, this situation with Dithers only got worse over the next couple days. It was highly unpleasant. And it worried me too. Because when I left the underground bunker at night I wondered if Dithers would be able to get out. I always checked the lock on his cage before I left, but you never knew. I wasn’t free to be my new self anymore. My identity as Help People was being compromised by Dithers. I did not understand how he could do this to me considering how I’d saved his life and helped him rehabilitate his arm. And how could I devote myself to giving medical attention to the innocent victims of war when I was worried that this maniac Dithers was going to be there waiting to crush my skull when I came back to the bunker in the morning?

  And to make matters worse, it was about this time that our food rations started to run out. Even though I had carefully rationed out our M.R.E.s they were dwindling fast, and then one day they were gone. There was no more. I felt bad about this, because I knew how hungry the chimpanzees and Dithers were getting. And that didn’t seem fair. But I have always been resourceful, and soon after that I started catching lizards for food. There are these little pink lizards that skate around on the concrete walls of the bunker and disappear in the cracks. The lizards are translucent, and you can see their tiny skeletons under their skin. Their eyes are almost half as big as their bodies. About the only thing you can’t see is their thoughts.

  MY EFFORT TO ELIMINATE ANYTHING THAT POSED A THREAT TO MY NEWFOUND MISSION

  Catching enough lizards to feed two men and five chimpanzees takes a lot of time, and I found that I was sleeping less and less. I tried to catch catnaps here and there. But I was starting to see lizards in my dreams. Then I started to dream that I was a lizard. I would scurry around on all four legs and people would laugh at me because they could see my insides. Until finally I just quit sleeping altogether. I found that I didn’t need to sleep. Now I have not slept in weeks, and it seems strange to me that this was something that I ever did.

  INCARCERATION AS A FORM OF REHABILITATION, BECAUSE I REMAINED HOPEFUL AND OPTIMISTIC

  And I still didn’t know what to do about Dithers, but I had not given up hope on him yet. I was confused but optimistic. Sometimes it’s hard to make someone see the light. I was crushed because I felt like all my hard work was down the tubes. I tried my best to come up with ways for him to like our new life here. I told him to look inside his heart. I told him I wanted him to be able to come out with me at night on the missions. I was getting tired of witnessing all the atrocities of war alone. I begged and pleaded with him to consider my position in all this. He’d yell at me. I clapped my hands over my ears. But still I didn’t give up. I even offered to let him do some yoga with me. I told him I’d let him out of the cage if he wanted to do some yoga. He kept yelling. I told him how he was just becoming like his alcoholic dad. I told him, don’t be that way.

  “You’re not an albino. You’re not an albino,” I said.

  And then Dithers began to show the true darkness in his heart. He was talking all the time. Nonstop. Every time I tried to do some yoga. Shouting at me. Yoga was out of the question, and I started to lose my internal balance. It was a racket. I couldn’t think straight. The void was slipping further and further away. It was like garbage can lids banging in my head. Taunting me. Heckling me. Calling me Gay Dad. Gay Dad. I’d come back to the bunker and lie down with my hands over my ears. Gay Dad. Gay Dad. Gay Dad. Gay Dad.

  WHAT HAPPENED WHEN THE LIZARDS RAN OUT, AND THE PURSUIT OF ALTERNATIVE ENERGY SOURCES

  The lizards ran out. At some point I realized there were not any lizards left. Dithers saw me scrabbling around for lizards and realized what had happened and started laughing. “Great, what are you going to do now, Gay Dad? I’m hungry,” he shouted. But then Dithers said a curious thing.

  He whispered ever so softly, “Eat me.”

  I turned on him. “What did you just say?”

  “Eat me. I’m delicious. I taste good.”

  That time I knew exactly what I’d heard. I said, “Why did you just tell me to eat you, Dithers?”

  He got this funny look on his face.

  “Shut the hell up. I didn’t say anything. I haven’t said a word since you got back. I’m being good for once. What the hell are you talking about?”

  But then he followed that up with his whisper again: “Eat me. Eat me. Eat me. I’m yummy. Look at this arm of mine. This arm looks delicious.”

  I turned and looked at his arm.

  “What the hell are you looking at,” he said.

  “Don’t worry yourself about it. No need to play games. I heard you the first time, Dithers.”

  I went back to scrounging around in my rucksack, but then in an instant I knew exactly what I was going to do. I went to the back of the bunker. The chimps were hissing and shouting. Dithers was screaming. Then I picked up an empty ammo can and started for Dithers’s cage.

  MY DAD’S FINAL PROPAGANDA LETTER, WHICH I RECEIVED THE DAY BEFORE I SCOOPED UP DITHERS AND QUIT THE WAR

  Dear Son,

  The idea that I have fathered a son who wants to kill other human beings in the name of his country breaks my heart. I am begging you please don’t do the thin
gs I did, you will regret them for the rest of your life, I promise you. Man is not made to relish pain in others, and it is the sickness of war that propagates this belief, and we have to hold on to what makes us human, and not revert back to the life of animals. I butchered human beings and killing became a pleasure. I do not want for you to suffer the black scars on your soul that I have on mine because of Vietnam please listen to me I am not joking anymore this is the most serious thing I have ever said to you, you are my son and don’t ever forget that.

  Dad

  THE INEVITABLE LIBERATION OF DITHERS

  I flung open Dithers’s cage and swung the ammo can at his head and missed. The chimps were banging on the slats of their cages and screeching, and in the chaos I closed my eyes and focused and swung again, this time it was different though, this time I swung with the confidence and ease of a man who knows it’s going to be a home run. I opened my eyes. Dithers’s cage was empty. In that split second I was shoved from behind and heard the ominous click of the lock as the cage door slammed shut. I whirled and crashed into the slats and fell over. Dithers was beaming. For the next half hour as I calmly stared out through the slats while seething with outrage, Dithers went around the bunker packing my ruck with stuff for his journey, informing me as to how he was going to grab Marty and the guys and that they’d be back to beat the living shit out of me and then flexcuff me and ship my ass to the brig. “The game’s up, Mr. Fucking Asshole Freak. I sure hope you like those bars, cuz you’re gonna be seeing a lot more of them from here on out,” said Dithers, and then he breezed out of sight, and I heard the hatch swing open and then slam to. A half hour later I finally jimmied open the lock with a paper clip from my pocket, and sprinted out of the bunker and out into the night, scanning the horizon desperately for Dithers. I searched all up and down the highway for the next several hours until the sun came up, ignoring the wounded Iraqi boy who called out to me as I raced past. But Dithers was gone.